I beg for You to move

Recently, the song, “Beg,” by Shane and Shane has really been tugging at my heart. It’s not even just a couple of lines that I identify with, but every single lyric. This song reminds me that at the end of the day, He doesn’t want my words or deeds, but my heart. He wants my love.

Listen to the full song here

The song starts out, “So here I am, one more day of not loving Him the way He asks.” The song starts out so negatively yet so casually, which is quite rare for a worship song. But that tone of voice more practically describes the heart of a struggling lover better than one of extreme agony and fear. It’s sad but true. As another day passes and my heart fails, “I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should,” and it feels like there’s nothing I can do. Even in prayer time, “I’m haunted by my God who has the right to ask me what by the nature of my rebellion I cannot give.” As I pray to God, the one I should be cherishing the most, I find that I’m reduced to a mix of silence and jumbled words.

He still reveals Himself to me daily, and for that I’m thankful. But at the end of the day, along with my “cute little words about how am I saved,” they too get “burned as wood.” In other words, those blessings don’t last and my heart again feels empty. No matter “my deeds for the day,” “I’m haunted by my God who has the right to ask me what by the nature of my rebellion I cannot give.” In the midst of my silence and the noise that spews out of my mouth, I question, “Am I saved?”

Tonight, God gracefully blessed with something my friend, Jeffrey Nian, shared with me about how Jaeson Ma, the world’s most prominent Asian hip-hop pastor, turned from a life of complete sin to one completely devoted to God. At 18, along with hanging out with various Vietnamese gangs, he was dealing drugs and designer suits. The latter of which he stole from the high-end clothing store he worked at. One day, he was busted and the police had a warrant for his arrest. While confessing to his Christian mother his sin, God hit him with what he described as a “two-ton brick” (conviction). Even if he went to jail (by God’s grace, he didn’t), he decided to turn his life back to God right then and there. He was determined to seek and seek God with all of his heart until he found God and captured Him there. Jaeson would frequently lock himself in his room and ask God to fill him up with the holy spirit, and he asked that over and over and over. HE BEGGED. By begging, God transformed his heart so much that He was able to use Jaeson to lead revivals all around college campuses and even lead Jin the rapper to Christ, among countless others.

So now, when I think about it, it’s so ironic that CFC’s lock-in is tomorrow. All night, 7 pm to 8 am, spent crying out to God, just like Jaeson Ma. In fact, I know it’s more than just an irony or intersting coincidence, it’s all part of God’s beautiful plan to lead me to Him. God, I recognize that I’m powerless to move myself; so, like the poorest man on Earth, I want to beg for You to come. You, God, are the only one strongest enough to lift this stone heart from the brink of hopelessness. So, may these words be like a huge cardboard sign hung around my heart: “I beg for you to move, I beg for you to move, I beg for you to break through!”